If Exxon owns the letter “X”, can I own “A”?

 

 

Exxon

Recently Exxon, the world’s richest oil company, initiated an intellectual property lawsuit against the cable television channel FX for using the letter “X” in their name.  FX’s use of the letter “X” obviously causes consumers to be confused as to whether they were watching television or gassing up their car in their living room.

Exxon is seeking court recognition that it is the rightful owner of the letter “x”.

Of course, I understand Exxon’s position and completely agree with their filing a lawsuit against such a letter stealer as FX.  Hopefully the court will also agree and award Exxon two gazillion dollars for the “X”crutiating pain and suffering this has caused them.  Their daily net profits from their oil operations is only $104 million. A little side income from any other company (or individual) wishing to pay a licensing fee to Exxon for use of their letter “X” would prove to be a steady income replacement to wean the oil behemoth off of the fossil fuels it currently sells. It’s the environmentally right thing to do.  We all know how concerned they are for our environment based on the Exxon-Valdez oil spill.

In full disclosure, I am compelled to mention that I fully intend to submit my own claim to the letter “A” as in Andy.  Now “A”pple might launch a counterclaim but I feel strongly the court will rule in my favor to dismiss their lawsuit as I can easily prove that I have double rights to the letter “A”: “Andy” “A”ccioli as opposed to their weak case of having only a single “A”: “A”pple. But I digress.

Getting back to the current “X” case.  Imagine the millions/billions of times daily an “X” is added to letters and greeting cards indicating the senders are sending a kiss.  Were Exxon’s legal eagles on their game, they would amend their lawsuit against FX to include all of humanity in order to extract a mandatory fee each time a signer adds an “x (kiss)” either in their offline or online communications.  Exxon execs were you to charge say ten cents per “X”, can’t you see the possibilities?  Consider this: .10 times billions of “x kisses” sent each day…my goodness this will dwarf your measly $104 million daily oil profits in no time.

You can also chase other defendants in the suit.  Clothing makers that use “X”: X-Large, XX-Large, XXX-Large…calculator manufacturers using your letter “X” on each of their calculators indicating multiplication…each time the term “X marks the spot” is used has to be worth something…and with the exception of myself, of course, can anyone say they haven’t visited “XXX” websites? Besides all those examples of “X” usages, I feel Exxon could make major bank by chasing down whoever is now in charge of the Roman Empire for using XX to indicate the number twenty which, I might add, is being used by a vast number of enthusiastic Latin students worldwide to this very day.

Go for the gold Exxon.  Maybe you’ll be able to purchase other letters such as “E”, “I”, “O”, “U” with your letter licensing side venture.  (I hear “Y” has already been taken but perhaps you can work out a deal to license its usage sometimes when needed.)

UPDATE: The public was just informed that makers of Alpha-Bits cereal and Alphabet Soup have joined together to secure a cease and desist order for any commercial or personal use of the following letters over which they claim to own exclusive rights: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y and Z.

BREAKING NEWS: Animal Crackers is now suing every zoo, hunter, pet owner, etc/ for infringing on their exclusive, proprietary animal design rights.  It would appear that now we have a real dog eat dog (10 cents times 2), horse (10 cents) and pony (10 cents) rat (10 cents) race going on.  Don’t worry Animal Crackers, I’m sending you a fifty cent usage fee check.  It’s in the mail.

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