Middle Eastern men residing in a member country of the GCC (Gulf Cooperation Council) can now rest easy knowing that a new gaydar is being created to detect gay men before they are allowed into their country seeking to inject unsuspecting straights with their gaiety. The GCC is composed of Oman, Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates, Qatar, Bahrain and Kuwait.
What Yousuf Mindkar, Kuwait’s Ministry of Health’s Director, recently told a local newspaper was: “Health centers conduct the routine medical check to assess the health of the expatriates when they come into the GCC countries. However, we will take stricter measures that will help us detect gays who will be then barred from entering Kuwait or any of the GCC member states.”
Current plans for these “stricter measures” call for some sort of gay detection apparatus to be installed to detect gay men at the airport before allowing them to pass through customs. It is rumored that an obvious gay testing method of escorting a potentially gay visitor to a darkened room away from the bustling customs area to privately view hardcore gay porn proved a failure as the guards manning the screening area were said to have become more aroused than the suspected homo.
A couple of suggestion, Yousuf:
- You know how all flyers have to pose in an upright position with their hands over their heads in order that security can do a full – and I mean full – body scan prior to boarding a flight? Well, how about below the scanning unit if you install a camera to take pictures of what those wearing a thawb (tunic) are wearing to hold their joystick in place. If a colorful or paisley thong, you should ask to review the pictures in his wallet. Detecting a picture of Cher or Lady Gaga you might have a gay. Detecting a picture of Cher AND one of Lady Gaga or if he’s humming the entire score of La Cage aux Folles, stop the test immediately, get that gay on the next flight back to South Beach, honey.
- You know how some gays can fool you by dressing up all business-like: suit, crisp white shirt and subdued tie. Don’t buy it. A simple and quick test would be to have your customs’ agent ask the following question: “Mr. Smith, we are contemplating repainting the interior walls of our terminal white, what do you think?” If you get a response like, “Oh, darlin’, drab, drab, drab. You want magenta, magenta, magenta or chartreuse, chartreuse, chartreuse.” At this point your agent’s gay-o-meter should be flashing: gay, gay, gay. Mr. Smith should then be escorted to the flight now loading for Palm Springs.
As you may have already guessed Yousuf, my suggested tests not only are extremely accurate for uncovering gayness but will save all GCC countries time and money as opposed to your proposed medical testing. As for those ghastly anal probes currently being considered, I have heard, this could be a rumor, the anal sheik-cheek probing experiment has proven to be rather enjoyable to those involved with doing the testing on each other. I would think these results are not exactly what your GCC members would want to see.
All I can say, Yousuf, is kisses and good luck.
P.S. Yousuf, if you’re after the international trade market to do business in Kuwait, may I suggest you forget about violating a human’s right of sexual orientation.