It seems that Ivan-The-Awful Okhlobystin, the Russian actor and wannabee president of Russia opines that all gays should be stuffed in an oven. Spoken like a true severely conservative Orthodox Priest. After being bitten by the glam of show biz Moscow style, Ivan became Fr. Ivan, an Orthodox priest lovingly preaching a gospel of human annihilation. As for the severely conservative, oh yeah, you bet he is: to his coreless core.
True to his country’s recent passage of oppressive anti-gay laws (thankfully just in time for his country’s hosting of the 2014 Winter Olympics because as everyone knows there are no gay athletes, no gay Olympic attendees, and of course no gay supporters of the Olympics) Ivan-The-Awful was thought to have been recently spotted at a Home Depot in suburban New York with a large oven on his shopping list. Considering the number of Russian gays, estimated to be somewhere between 10 – 14 million, Ivan must think outside-the-oven as he cannot simply walk down the appliance aisle and select any General Electric stove.
We’re talking a gynormous oven, here.
Instead of a stroll through Home Depot, perhaps the good padre should stroll through Auschwitz to pick up some ideas from the other guy who had extermination of humans on the mind and tinkered with ovens slaying 1.2 million innocents. Better yet, perhaps Ivan-The-Awful should take his oven on a test drive himself since we hear that the over tester market is scarce. If Fr. Ivan makes it out alive after being baked at 450 degrees for an hour and forty-five minutes, perhaps he could develop a better technique for handling his country’s gay population.
Fr. Ivan-The-Awful, why not banish all Russian gays to Siberia? God only knows how much that area of Russia needs to accessorize with all its grotesque drabitude.
We think you protest too much, sweetie. That’s why Fr. Ivan-The-Awful-Actor we proudly present to you the SANCTUS HYPOCRITICUS AWARD.
Update: Ivan-The-Awful actor, although popular in the 90’s, besides performing on the altar is providing the voice of Om in the Russian animation The Snow Queen. Turns out Om works for the villain (the devil?) who is out to destroy the world as we know it in order that a new emotionless people be created. Emotionless? Enter Ivan-The-Awful has-been actor. He’s a natural for the role. All he has to do is slap on a pair of horns and he’s on fire.